Karen's profileZenn PhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
|
June 17 Just another day in ? Well I am doing better I have worked on getting my head to a better place. Still friggin ssdd... but at least I am here and that is going a good thing right? This weekend should be nice and I am looking forwarded to it. On Saturday it is M.T. and my 34 wedding anniversary! I must admit I truly love him, yeah he does drive me crazy now and then. But if you live with some so long, who doesn't? He is taking me out to dinner and I am already thinking lobster, crab ummm Yummy!!! I do not know what to get him, besides the standard gift, *wicked lil smile* A bow wrapped around me ;-) I am still so tossed up. Suggestions? Anyway I thought I would dropped by and say hi to all and do have a good one. z March 30 Waiting for the Phone to ring...Waiting for the phone to ring... My dog woke me up at 1:30 am because Daddy was leaving .. yes that's right. So I have been up and thinking about calling it quits and going back to bed. Right now my little dog Roxy is jealous of the laptop and keeps trying to squeeze herself (stealthly) between me and it. She can be a bugger, but I still love her so. I think I will give the phone about 10 more minutes and if it does not ring I am going back to bed. Just one of these days... Boring... z March 29 Tis the time to remember past memories which makes you smileWith all that has been going on at my house and so many others, it is a bit depressing to say the least. So when I do get blue, I look at the past, pictures, letters etc and it does make me smile. So then I can look at the future it a much better light. I works for me, I am not sure it works for everyone ... though.
Like my trips I have made the past couple of years, to see people I love get married. To drink, laugh and be merry with family. Talks with my favorite sisters. These things do make me strong.
I also look forward to seeing family here soon!! My sis and sis in law are both coming soon and this makes me happy for I know I will have a few laughs and so will they. I worry about them so much, wish I could help more yet we are struggling here to. So they only thing I can give them is my time to listen, and I know they will be listening to me to! Yes it is support and we all need it from time to time. I think this is one way of human beings being so different yet we support each other when need.
Family is a great thing, and I thank the heaven's I have them :)
Talk to you soon
z March 03 I know I have been so bad about writing here latelyFor me 2008 pretty much sucked. I let it slip into darkness and hopefully this year will be brighter. I lost so many people last year, including my grandmother. Some of my friends died well before their time. I think I struggle with this the most. How old you are when life ends. I have lost babies and yet we tried for others. I have lost loved ones who meant so much to me all make me sad in some respect. For they are gone, only memories remain.
Yet it is the ones 35 years old and younger that hurt the most. It just seems so unfair I just can not wrap my brain around it at all. It seems so unfair they are gone, and I am still here?
I am getting older and everyday I wake up and I am lucky I am here today. I have plans for this year, one is to see another new baby come into this world. I think this is what keeps me going. My family. No matter how I feel, or what we have or have not. I feel so lucky I am here to see another day, no matter how good or bad a day is. I feel good for I am still here.
Talk to you later
Z
July 25 So far this yearI was thinking this year would be better then last. Yet this has not come through yet, it's just these bumps in a road you just can not help but hitting one.
I am recovering well, and yet so many people in my life are critically ill, some are fading away. I can deal with my grandmother leaving us she has had such a long live. Yet my mother is 19 years older then I and I am praying to god the surgery works. Plus my sweet little dog Hope died 7 days ago and I still expect her to be here but she is not. I am fighting so hard not to fall into the darkness again, so hard.... Some people may say it's the Devil doing all these things, yet in my heart it is part of the circle of life. Also not all can be blamed on anyone but yourself. Plus people in my past who hurt me are back because of my mom and grandmother
Sorry I have not posted for some time, it's still hard to do between my back and hands.
Hopefully all is well in your house and your world
~Zenn December 31 End of a very long yearThis past year had to be one of the hardest one's and yet I am happy to say I have survived! A year of changes, of surgeries, of weddings, babies born, seeing old friends and of losing friends. For all the struggles I have endured this past year, I feel strangely optimistic this next year will be a very good one.
So good bye 2006 and hello 2007. Being a Vegas girl 7 is a good number and I am banking on having one heck of a good year. Be safe tonight and celebrate another year and your still here. I will be watching the fireworks on the Vegas Strip and I will be remembering all whom I love and miss. I will also being thinking of all the soldiers overseas and may they stay out of harms way this night. Make it home safely and may we not hit the 3,000 soldier dead this night.
See you next year
Z August 31 Into the light and dark sides what they mean to meI can visual see light when I look up at the night's sky the stars and moon. I see the light of a candle in the darkness of a room as it's flickering away. Above all I can feel the light in a soul mine or anothers. I also see nothing but darkness without a full moon, or down in a basement with no light coming in. And yet I also feel and see the darkness in other ways too.
A few examples of the light:
I see the light in a persons eyes. A gentleness perhaps, happiness and most of all a content soul.
A gentle touch from someone when no words need to be said; for they give you their feeling all is alright.
A new borns first cry in this world.
To laugh and love with your family and close friends.
A hug so unexpected from another there are no word to express this feeling.
The people who are givers. They are the light of this world.
The person I saw on the news last night saying to the world "my family and I are alright." (Though he, his family or his neighbors have no houses) After the hurrican took out his whole little town. This man sees the light amidst all the darkness that can come upon you.
Mother nature itself when she is kind to us.
Light is open minds of tolerance and not judgemental to other on this planet of ours.
Soldiers coming home alive from war and even wounded they smile, try and they will make it no matter what. *Yes I have many friends overseas.
Waking up every morning and seeing the sun rise even if I hurt!
To hear the word I love you from someone who sincerely does.
But most of all I have seen the light when you are close to death. A most brilliant light, it beckens you to go to it, be surrounded by it and yield to it so freely. For that one moment in time, there is no more pain, and no worries. For there is only this eurphoric feeling that wraps you up so softly and you yield to it so easily.
Some say this is our way of leaving this earthly plain, others say it is our brain giving off the last of its energy in the form of light. I have never forgotten this in my life (1981), and I do not fear leaving this earth. I saw the light and it reassured me all with be alright when the times comes.
A few examples of darkness to me are:
When a person passes me or gets close to me I feel a darkness from the person. My gut tells me to flee and my hair on the back of my neck stands up.
Darkness is the sadness of the lost of a love one, baby or friend.
Darkness is people who see the cup half empty and not half full.
I see the glimmer of light in a persons eyes start to fade away slowly and death will come soon to them.
Darkness to me are the takers of the world; for they do not care what they do to another to get what they want.
Darkness is mother nature's vengence upon us.
Darkness is the need to help others but feeling helpless you can not do more for them.
Darkness is closed minds, passing judgement and intolerance to others on this planet of ours.
Soldiers coming home from war in boxes. *Yes I had some of my friends come home this way too.
Darkness is not being able to tell someone you loved them before they were gone.
May the candle stay lit when you are in dark places and keeping you safe from the shadows beyond.
Zenn August 12 I wished upon a shooting star last nightAfter having such a wonderful time on vacation ... oh I loved it so, and never will it be forgotten in my lifetime. To feel refreshed, renewed, truthfully the old me came back. I thought I had lost her forever.
No she is still here, but then again I am still ill. Last night I was outback and saw a shooting star, and I made a wish. I bet you can guess what it is, if I tell you it will not come true!
Yes I still believe in shooting stars, and after that I looked up into the heaven's and asked God this question.
Why do you allow me to find myself again, feel free and wonderful, then in less then two weeks later you take me to the opposite spectrum? Why?
I have not heard an answer and to keep my spirits high, I just think of the wonderful sights, sounds, people and smells that I felt and still feel. I will not drop to darkness, no way...
I wished upon a shooting star last night...
Zenn August 10 Trying timesPeter's death effected me greatly. As a matter of fact I have been trying to quit smoking. I was doing very well until this past week. Lord knows I need to stop smoking, yet I got so high strung I ended up reaching for a smoke. I know... there is no excuse for not trying to stop smoking. I have been smoking since I was 15 years of age. I really want to and yet I am so weak. It is very hard, I have done it before and I know I can do this again.
I do not feel well and actually that helps me to quit. But when I stress I stumble and fall. I am trying again today lets hope I can make it through one day at a time.
All I can do is try ... yes?
August 06 Back to Sin CityWell I did enjoy my vacation so much, and yes I am back to reality the real world of Sin City. It has been a rough homecoming though. Kinda sad actually. First time in so long I had taken vacation, taken time to decompress, and feel the old spirit of me that I had lost come back for time.
But I have ended up sick as a dog for the last 10 days and it sucks so. I have been working on my laptop in bed or on the couch. This so sucks!!!! I ask myself what did I do to deserve this, after so much happiness???
At this point I still feel like S**t and just want the old me back. Sorry this is a downer of a post but if you felt like I have for the past 10 days; well you would not wish it even on your worst enemy.
Getting older in itself is a bitch, and hell I do not in soul nor spirit usually feel my age, but maybe just maybe some higher power is giving me a dose of reality of age. Anyway I am trying to keep my spirits high and keep on going.
Well see, enough for now.
Zenn July 10 Has your family and you just had one of those month?My trip to Arcata Ca. was wonderful, yet as always it had it glitches. Like my sister from Southern California missing her flight, and I get a voice mail while waiting in San Fran for her saying she will be in later that night. Two of my flights to Arcata were canceled no biggy there I had nothing better to do anyway.
Once I landed the car rental place only had one car left, though I had a confirmation stating time of car and price. I ended up with a Kia so small and so slow it sucked, plus it costed me more. Go figure. Hertz I have already written you a letter, I was extremely disappointed.
When I found the hotel my sister's were staying at in Arcata it was from the 50's and absolutely nothing changed about it, no bath just a shower, and the smell of mold.
Finally we did pick up my sister at 9:30 at night, and well the airline had lost her luggage. They said it might be on the next few flights and when they found it they would deliver it to the hotel.
Around Midnight 4 young people checked in above us and partied all night, which including dancing. The noise sucked and yet both of us remember how young people are we sucked it up.
Around 12:30 am a knock on the door Yes they did find my sister's luggage Hooray. He was very nice.
Needless to say we got no sleep, and made a decision to go back up the 101 to a comfort inn. A bath tub and quiet were needed. And yes we found both thank god. When we talked to the motel owner about our night stay he did apologize and did not charge us for the night, since he could hear the kids partying too. He was sweet and yet the though of quiet and a bathtub did make my day. Plus the lack of the smell of mold was a plus.
We went to the wedding that evening and had a wonderful time. It was beautiful, and then back to the hotel for a wonderful night's sleep. I woke up to a rooster crowing and cow's mooing. I looked out the window and I saw the mist floating over the fields. So preety I do miss Northern Cali so much.
But yet it was time to come home, and when I saw the valley below me yes I knew I was home in LV. I have missed you, and I had missed my home.
I got a call from my sister and she told me my mom had fallen while we were away. She had hit her head and shattered her knee and would be having surgery. My sister had taken my mom to the hospital to check her in and had came home. She was standing in her kitchen and the next thing she sees is a car coming through her garage, kitchen and ended up in her dining room. She did not get hit by the car but ended up hurting her ankle and knee.
At the same time I am home in bed recovering from shots in my back to kill the nerve pain down my leg. Needless to say that did not go so well either. So here we are all 3 hurting and worried about our mom. Life sure does have its moments. My mom's surgery went well, and Kathy is still staying in a hotel, the city declared her house not safe to stay in. As for me I go back to the Doc tomorrow I have a feeling he missed when he gave me the shots. My left side hurts so much and I still can not sit for long periods at time
Will see life is what you make it, and so far we are all staying pretty positive.
June 21 Memories a letter to my niece on her wedding dayLife is full of memories some shared with family and friends like a wedding day. In my own life I have learned to remember the good memories and let the bad ones fade away. For I have found if we dwell upon bad memories in our life, it is like dragging a ton of chains around your neck and weighing you down. So much so that the good memories we have fade to black. Instead long ago I decided to remember the memories filled with love, smiles, laugher, hugs, happiness and tears of joy. Our lives, our journeys and our memories are what we are made of. It is our memories, which makes our life unique and our choices on how we decide to look back upon them. For memories are our life. My first memories I remember are: My first birthday cake it was a orange cake with orange frosting; my first Christmas I could not sleep because I was so excited Santa was coming. The first day I learned to swim with my Uncle and cousins in the city pool. Staying at my grandparents houses, exploring a creek on a hot summer day, and playing with my sisters and cousins past dark. Catching fire flies on a hot summer night in Indiana and letting them loose in my grandparent’s house. My aunts running about catching them putting them in a jar and all along my grandfather Stewart couldn’t help but smile. The memories of catching those magical fairies in the night still come alive when I see a firefly at night. Memories… I remember my first dance with a boy named Robert, I remember my first kiss, I remember the day I fell in love and got married. I remember the sounds of my newborn son’s first breath they took when they entered this world. When it came time for my sons to leave I remember I cried and I also cry when I see them again. I remember holding each of my grandchildren for the first time and words can not express all the emotions I felt in that moment of time. Memories… Melissa throughout the years Terry, Mike, Chris and I have had our own journeys in life filled with endless memories. Some spent together and many times in our lives we were apart scattered in the four winds. Some of our most precious memories are when we could see you, our family and our friends. Memories… I remember you mother telling me she was expecting you, so excited about it. I remember seeing you for the first time, you had the largest bright blue eyes, and you took my breath away. I remember feeling envy for my sister’s all had daughters, and I had only sons. But to me a niece was the next best thing to having a daughter to call my own.
I remember when we lived in HB not far from your mom’s house; we got to see you almost everyday. It was wonderful to watch you play and grow. I remember us falling asleep watching TV you were still so small back then I doubt you would remember it. I remember taking you shopping for a dress to wear for Christmas Dinner at my Dad’s house. You picked out a green satin dress, and you looked so pretty in it. Grandma was there, so happy, so proud her family was all there and we had so much fun that night. Memories… I remember seeing you most recently at Kathy’s house, all grown up, a beautiful woman now stood before my eyes. How time flies in the blink of an eye for us all. Today is one of the most special of occasions any family member can attend a wedding! I would not miss this day for anything in the world. For you my dearest niece, this day will be part of the most special memories we can have in our short lives. This day is special to me for I get to see you get married. I can look into my sister’s eyes and see they are filled with pride, love and tears of joy is special to me on this day. This day is filled with memories for us all. One of my most precious of gifts my sister gave me was you. I love you more then you will ever know my dear niece. I love you so. For you it is your wedding day, the start of a new life and new journey with the one you love. For me is it a day to remember… a niece I have loved since birth, who is now a fine young woman, beautiful and bright. A niece who has made me so proud and so happy words can never sincerely say it all. I do know this day will be kept with all my most precious of memories. I also know it will be the start of a new set of memories for you too. Auntie Z June 15 Just thoughts random thoughtsI was out last night star gazing up at the night's sky. A large cresent moon, planets and stars. This got me thinking... are we star stuff? In the bible it says God he created the universe and us in six days and rested on the seventh day. Was God's day equal to our present 24 hour day, or was it 10,000 years or 10 million years? Are we star stuff? Yes we are in my humble opinion. We are made mostly of water as is our planet. Each cell in our body is part of the universe in what it contains. We are the children of the Universe I think so. We are no different from a planet, our air we breath or stars. Yes I do believe in a higher power I do call it God and this higher power indeed holds the keys to us, our universe and beyond. I often think of Albert Einstien Einstien. n. German-born American theoretical physicist whose special and general theories of relativity revolutionized modern thought on the nature of space and time and formed a theoretical base for the exploitation of atomic energy. He won a 1921 Nobel Prize for his explanation of the photoelectric effect. He also knew that it's "I before E except after C". Are we star stuff I keep asking myself... Albert I wish you were here to answer some questions for me |
|
|
